On The Clock

I’m not a poet. I don’t claim to be an author. Hell, I hardly claim to be a writer. I’m just a girl who sometimes writes things down and then unceremoniously dumps them onto the internet. Last semester, however, I got to take one of the most inspirational classes while still at my former university. I took poetry writing with an amazing professor who truly shaped my life. In any event, until I can finish a story I’m working on, I thought I’d post one of my poems from my final portfolio.

Nothing is like a trip to the zoo when all the animals
haven’t come out to play,
so you’re left in a park filled with
the shells of habitats and
empty souls
and nothing

is walking into a room, forgetting why you came
in the first place, so
you just find nothing

is the blank stare you get when you a read a poem
to a boy, and you’ve put your
heart, soul,
everything into it, and he doesn’t get it,
so he stares at you with
absolutely nothing

is after you drop your girlfriend off at the airport
so she can study abroad in France,
but you know she’s never coming back,
and you’re left with nothing

is nothing, not even you.

Take care out there,
Sam

Finally, after a few months of new life changes, I decided to go back to EMS. I was feeling like I was burning out and getting a little jaded, so when some new things were happening in my life, I took a little break from the medic to get my priorities straight. I eventually felt like I could go back, so I scheduled myself for a 24-hour shift once a month.

Well, folks, I went last Saturday and spent a full 24-hours without running a single call. Arrrgh! It was so frustrating, because I didn’t get a chance to find out whether I still loved EMS or not, and I felt entirely useless.

Have you ever experienced anything like this? You’re trying to give something an honest, genuine try, and you get nothing for it? It’s really quite frustrating.

In other news, I’ve officially transferred my major from Creative Writing at one school to Pre-Nursing at another. If all goes according to plan, I’ll officially be a registered-nursing student in January of 2010. I’m really quite excited, and I’m loving every minute of Anatomy (…not so much with Microbiology, but that’s a different story entirely).

I am truly sorry for the long hiatus I’ve taken from blogging. My life seemed to fall apart before my eyes in March, and after that happened, I had to prioritize. Blogging, clearly, fell by the wayside. Things like finishing the semester, continuing to get out of bed in the morning, and maintaining my sanity became a little bit more important. Now that things are better, though, I promise to try my best to update more consistently. I do apologize, however, if the posts center around my experience in nursing school, at my job, or even around my personal life. I’ll bring you EMS posts as I think of them, and I’ll try to write a few creative posts as well!

Take care out there,
Sam

The following is a letter I’m writing to myself, and it’s also an open letter to…well, everyone really. It’s especially intended for those of the 13-25 year age range.

Dear You,

It’s okay. You don’t always have to be superhuman. Sometimes, it’s better to sit back at watch other people be super for a little while as you relish the feeling of being normal. I know you’re used to picking up the slack that others leave, or working a little harder to prove to everyone else (and yourself) the things that you can do. But please remember that you can only be somebody else’s hero when you’re your own hero first.

I know you love what you do. There’s nothing more rewarding than saving a life, or being thanked even when you didn’t do much. But it’s okay to admit that you’re a little burned-out. In fact, it’s smart to admit that. If you don’t come to grips with that, you’ll just keep working until you’re dead inside, and there’s no coming back. You want to come back, I know, so taking a break is okay.

You’re a busy person. You go to school, and you work, and you volunteer. You have friends and family whom you love to pieces, and sometimes you neglect them when you get bogged down in these commitments. But don’t forget that you’re committed to the people in your life too. Without them, who are you? You’re just a girl who works, studies, and volunteers. Remember to prioritize. Every once in a while, it’s okay to spend time on the phone with your best friend who lives 500 miles away, or to schedule a night in with your freshman-year suitemates instead of studying or getting a jump on a paper. These people have made you who you are today, so don’t forget that.

I know you love expressing yourself creatively. And I know that it brings a few other people joy when you do so as well. It makes you feel guilty when you take a long hiatus from writing, singing, or journaling, because you feel like you’re letting these people down. But remember that these people love you and want you to be happy. They can wait for another story or another song, as long as they know that you’re taking care of yourself.

It’s important to be healthy. It’s important to eat right, exercise and remember to get 8 hours of sleep every night. But hell, if you feel like skipping the gym in favor of digging into a pint of Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream (which you fully intend on finishing in one sitting), go for it. You’ll have time to count calories later.

On that same note, remember to love your body. It’s not perfect, and it never will be. But someone will love those curves you hate, or those freckles that appear every summer. Someone will adore the way your eyebrow doesn’t lay flat thanks to that scar, or the way one leg is longer than the other due to scoliosis. Make sure to take care of yourself, but remember that if you don’t love yourself, how can you love someone else?

Oh, and you know those people who ridicule you for something like your weight, your height, your chest size, or even the color of your hair? Fuck them. Excuse the language, but it’s important enough for me to emphasize. No one who matters at all will judge you for your physical appearance. So take the criticism, and realize that they only say those things because they’re insecure in their own bodies and are using you to make them feel better about their insecurities.

That being said, those who hate you for your beliefs aren’t worth the time of day either. The people worth having in your life may disagree with you, but they will never hate you for what you believe. Remember not to judge them in return.

Lastly, remember this always. Everything will always be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s just not the end.

You are beautiful inside and out–always.
Sam

I’m really sorry.

I’ve been completely uninspired. I have nothing to say. Along with some personal things going on, I’ve been feeling really lame and useless–I haven’t helped anyone or made a palpable difference in months. I’m feeling overwhelmed and don’t know what to do about it.

I had this whole post I wanted to write for last Monday, when I turned 20. The big 2-0, you know? I was going to talk about the foray into being a twenty-something, no longer being a teenager. I was going to write a big post thanking my parents for the way they brought me up.

But I just can’t do it. It’s taking all my energy to write the poetry I need to for class, or to get out of bed, even. I’m really sorry, though. I want to write, I want to entertain, I want to be a good blogger.

I’ll get out of this funk, promise. But for now, thank you for bearing with me.

Take care out there,
Sam