Fireworks
It’s been a long time coming, but I guess you kind of forgot about that. At first you waited, wanting it, begging for the release. It never came, so you moved on. Hurt piled on top of hurt. Boyfriends and teachers, parents, strangers and friends–they all added to the pain. Secrets, lies and thinly veiled normalcy became just another facet of your strange, twisted life. But with every lie, every disappointment, you pushed it deeper into your heart, farther out of reach.
You didn’t turn to anything for help. No drugs or alcohol, but you kind of wish you had. If you turned to an addiction, then you could admit something was wrong. Instead, though, you stuck with what you thought was best–ignoring it. That worked (for a while, that is) and you felt grateful that people could ask “how are you,” and you could say “great,” and no one would second guess you. No one would treat you like the broken girl you are.
But suddenly you find yourself in an airplane, several thousand feet above the ground. 7F, the window seat in the middle left, looking over the wing; it’s your favorite. You sit next to a stranger twice your size, so you scoot closer to the window.
Earphones in, shade up, you watch the world go by. The 7:27 direct to Albany carries you through the Philadelphia night sky. Below, you see a football game where some high school is about to lose their homecoming. They unknowingly shoot off fireworks, and little green and red tufts explode below you; you never knew anything that huge could be that small.
And then it hits you. For the first time in years, you’re alone. No one knows you in the sky or on the ground below you. No one knows your story, your heartache. No one knows the hole that has carved itself out of your soul. Not even those fireworks can touch you.
So then it comes. Waves of tears wash over you, and you are born again. Sobs explode from your chest like the fireworks below. Sadness and grief start filling in that hole, pain replaced by acceptance. You’ll never understand the pain, but now you acknowledge it. 7E looks over at you strangely, pushing himself farther toward the aisle. Fuck him. Fuck them all, this isn’t about them, this is about you. Tears drop onto your shirt, washing it of the filth, and you smile.
As the explosions fade from view, you breathe deeply.
October 16, 2009 at 9:42 pm
It sounds like you have been having a rather rough time. I know it sounds cliche, and I do not know what you are going through. However keep your head up and keep fighting, it will get better. Take time for you and break ties with people that are bad for you. All of us who read our blog are rooting for you.
-Freckles
October 16, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Touching and exceedingly well written as always. Virtual hugs.
October 17, 2009 at 12:27 am
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”
–Tyler Durden
This goes doubly so for emotions.
October 17, 2009 at 2:13 pm
So much emotion…simple, yet invisibly wide-opening in a way. So much to say, yet it just stays hidden, because you do not know how to best say it without hurting another. Always remember, time DOES heal all wounds. Blessed be Baby-girl!
October 17, 2009 at 6:52 pm
“Sometimes the briefest moments capture us, force us to take them in, and demand we live the rest of out lives in reference to them.” – Lucy Grealy
What I think of when I see cathartic fireworks. Thanks for a great post.
October 19, 2009 at 8:03 am
[...] 61 shares an incredibly personal moment… one which I personally can relate to and maybe you can [...]
October 19, 2009 at 8:42 pm
We are all still here, any time you need us.
Take care and be safe.
November 15, 2009 at 6:07 pm
My heart breaks for you, sounds like things have been really tough. Virtual hugs are all I have to offer but they are yours in abundance.xx
November 24, 2009 at 9:54 am
Great website! Again, really appreciated your writing and perspective. You need to post more!
Just started my own site last week. I think you’d like, check it out.
I’ll be following…
January 23, 2010 at 12:34 am
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
wich is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
eec
btw- you have a lovely website