Quiet Moments

Posted in Other Writing on February 16, 2010 by medic61

She used to yearn for silence; she felt the quiet helped her clear her mind. She’d go for long trail rides on her horse in the field behind her school, and she’d only hear the padding of his hooves on the soft ground, or the juicy scrunching noises he made when he stopped for grass. She loved how the birds chirping sounded like yellow, and the chewing sounded like green. She loved how the breeze blowing sounded like blue, and how it all sounded calm.

Quiet moments were few and far between, and the only times she felt at peace. No one was yelling or arguing; no one was crying.

But when she grew up, she found that silence was the enemy. It followed after she admitted her feelings to that boy who sat in front of her in geometry. Silence came when she put her report card down on the table. The quiet was everywhere whenever she spoke her mind.

So she fell asleep with the television blaring, and listened to music while she studied. She’d call the first person in her phone book on the short drive home so she wouldn’t be alone with her silence. She grew to learn that the quiet moments were where she lost her sanity.

(I have no way to finish this, but it’s a start, and I felt like putting it up would maybe push me to finish it. Maybe not. But like I said, I’m going for quantity over quality right now.)

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The Screaming Bridge

Posted in Miscellaneous, Other Writing on February 14, 2010 by medic61

I talked once about a bridge that we often drive under on our way to a call. When we run lights and siren, the sound echoes off the bridge; it’s one of my most favorite things ever. Last spring, I wrote a poem about it, and I figured I’d share it here. I’m really trying to post more (and more often), because I think that with more quantity, I’ll find more inspiration, and I’ll produce quality posts. Thank you, again, for always bearing with me and supporting me the way you all do. Anyway, without further ado, here is “The Screaming Bridge.”

——————————————–

Crumbling at the corners, the bridge stands alone against the sapphire night,
between me and the sick.
The siren wails, urging me forward.

I remember the screams.
As the bridge approaches, the lights ricochet off every facet,
the siren wavers, hesitating at the height of its pitch.

The bridge screams back.

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Obituary, or, The Death of a Muse

Posted in Miscellaneous, Other Writing on February 3, 2010 by medic61

In early March, the muse was injured whilst crossing the street. It’s unfortunate, really, as she was only a few years old, just now starting to blossom into that shaky adolescence where she might have one day realized her potential. She was struck down as she was hurrying back home with an armful of daisies and a paper bag full of clementines. The scene was one of chaos, as passersby didn’t know whether to try and save the muse, the flowers, or the fruit.

She remained in the street, struggling for several months until she finally met her untimely end. Trying several times (in vain) to get back on her feet, her body finally gave up, much to the dismay of the few kind medics trying to save her.

One anonymous medic was quoted as saying, “it’s too bad she died, she was kind of pretty.” Another, when asked about his feelings on her death, said, “wait, who?” It is clear that she will be missed by all.

She is survived by her author, who can be heard cursing as she paces around the house. Her author remembers her simply as “a timid voice who loved to wake me at all hours of the night to put pen to paper or fingers to keys.”

In lieu of flowers, it is asked that you please send inspiration (or money) to ontheclockblog@gmail.com. A memorial service will be held right here, right now.

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Fireworks

Posted in Other Writing on October 16, 2009 by medic61

It’s been a long time coming, but I guess you kind of forgot about that. At first you waited, wanting it, begging for the release. It never came, so you moved on. Hurt piled on top of hurt. Boyfriends and teachers, parents, strangers and friends–they all added to the pain. Secrets, lies and thinly veiled normalcy became just another facet of your strange, twisted life. But with every lie, every disappointment, you pushed it deeper into your heart, farther out of reach.

You didn’t turn to anything for help. No drugs or alcohol, but you kind of wish you had. If you turned to an addiction, then you could admit something was wrong. Instead, though, you stuck with what you thought was best–ignoring it. That worked (for a while, that is) and you felt grateful that people could ask “how are you,” and you could say “great,” and no one would second guess you. No one would treat you like the broken girl you are.

But suddenly you find yourself in an airplane, several thousand feet above the ground. 7F, the window seat in the middle left, looking over the wing; it’s your favorite. You sit next to a stranger twice your size, so you scoot closer to the window.

Earphones in, shade up, you watch the world go by. The 7:27 direct to Albany carries you through the Philadelphia night sky. Below, you see a football game where some high school is about to lose their homecoming. They unknowingly shoot off fireworks, and little green and red tufts explode below you; you never knew anything that huge could be that small.

And then it hits you. For the first time in years, you’re alone. No one knows you in the sky or on the ground below you. No one knows your story, your heartache. No one knows the hole that has carved itself out of your soul. Not even those fireworks can touch you.

So then it comes. Waves of tears wash over you, and you are born again. Sobs explode from your chest like the fireworks below. Sadness and grief start filling in that hole, pain replaced by acceptance. You’ll never understand the pain, but now you acknowledge it. 7E looks over at you strangely, pushing himself farther toward the aisle. Fuck him. Fuck them all, this isn’t about them, this is about you. Tears drop onto your shirt, washing it of the filth, and you smile.

As the explosions fade from view, you breathe deeply.

10 Comments »

Help?

Posted in Miscellaneous on September 28, 2009 by medic61

So I know that a lot of you all have gone through Anatomy & Physiology, which I’m in right now. I’m doing okay-ish in it. I have an 82 in lab, and an 89 in lecture, making my total grade an 85. I’m really shooting for all A’s in my nursing curriculum (including prerequisites) so I won’t have a problem getting into a Master’s program later. I seem to be doing okay with big picture ideas (bones, muscles), but really struggling with little-picture ideas like histology.

For those of you who have already gone through it, or are doing it now, what study methods do you suggest? Are there any mnemonics that really helped you out? What was the easiest way for you to organize your notes and study materials? Honestly, any information you can give me will be helpful. While my lab professor is very knowledgeable, her teaching style doesn’t match my learning style, so I need suggestions on things I can do on my own.

Microbiology is actually going really well, and I’m kind of ashamed to admit that I secretly *love* it. I’ve enjoyed every single lab, including the really involved ones.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Also, who’s watching Trauma tonight? I’m approaching it with cautious optimism, but I not going to be surprised if I’m constantly yelling “oh come ON,” or “that’s unbelievable!”

Take care out there,
Sam

10 Comments »

Nothing

Posted in Uncategorized on September 18, 2009 by medic61

I’m not a poet. I don’t claim to be an author. Hell, I hardly claim to be a writer. I’m just a girl who sometimes writes things down and then unceremoniously dumps them onto the internet. Last semester, however, I got to take one of the most inspirational classes while still at my former university. I took poetry writing with an amazing professor who truly shaped my life. In any event, until I can finish a story I’m working on, I thought I’d post one of my poems from my final portfolio.

Nothing is like a trip to the zoo when all the animals
haven’t come out to play,
so you’re left in a park filled with
the shells of habitats and
empty souls
and nothing

is walking into a room, forgetting why you came
in the first place, so
you just find nothing

is the blank stare you get when you a read a poem
to a boy, and you’ve put your
heart, soul,
everything into it, and he doesn’t get it,
so he stares at you with
absolutely nothing

is after you drop your girlfriend off at the airport
so she can study abroad in France,
but you know she’s never coming back,
and you’re left with nothing

is nothing, not even you.

Take care out there,
Sam

5 Comments »

Gaaaaaah!

Posted in Uncategorized on September 16, 2009 by medic61

Finally, after a few months of new life changes, I decided to go back to EMS. I was feeling like I was burning out and getting a little jaded, so when some new things were happening in my life, I took a little break from the medic to get my priorities straight. I eventually felt like I could go back, so I scheduled myself for a 24-hour shift once a month.

Well, folks, I went last Saturday and spent a full 24-hours without running a single call. Arrrgh! It was so frustrating, because I didn’t get a chance to find out whether I still loved EMS or not, and I felt entirely useless.

Have you ever experienced anything like this? You’re trying to give something an honest, genuine try, and you get nothing for it? It’s really quite frustrating.

In other news, I’ve officially transferred my major from Creative Writing at one school to Pre-Nursing at another. If all goes according to plan, I’ll officially be a registered-nursing student in January of 2010. I’m really quite excited, and I’m loving every minute of Anatomy (…not so much with Microbiology, but that’s a different story entirely).

I am truly sorry for the long hiatus I’ve taken from blogging. My life seemed to fall apart before my eyes in March, and after that happened, I had to prioritize. Blogging, clearly, fell by the wayside. Things like finishing the semester, continuing to get out of bed in the morning, and maintaining my sanity became a little bit more important. Now that things are better, though, I promise to try my best to update more consistently. I do apologize, however, if the posts center around my experience in nursing school, at my job, or even around my personal life. I’ll bring you EMS posts as I think of them, and I’ll try to write a few creative posts as well!

Take care out there,
Sam

9 Comments »

An Open Letter

Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2009 by medic61

The following is a letter I’m writing to myself, and it’s also an open letter to…well, everyone really. It’s especially intended for those of the 13-25 year age range.

Dear You,

It’s okay. You don’t always have to be superhuman. Sometimes, it’s better to sit back at watch other people be super for a little while as you relish the feeling of being normal. I know you’re used to picking up the slack that others leave, or working a little harder to prove to everyone else (and yourself) the things that you can do. But please remember that you can only be somebody else’s hero when you’re your own hero first.

I know you love what you do. There’s nothing more rewarding than saving a life, or being thanked even when you didn’t do much. But it’s okay to admit that you’re a little burned-out. In fact, it’s smart to admit that. If you don’t come to grips with that, you’ll just keep working until you’re dead inside, and there’s no coming back. You want to come back, I know, so taking a break is okay.

You’re a busy person. You go to school, and you work, and you volunteer. You have friends and family whom you love to pieces, and sometimes you neglect them when you get bogged down in these commitments. But don’t forget that you’re committed to the people in your life too. Without them, who are you? You’re just a girl who works, studies, and volunteers. Remember to prioritize. Every once in a while, it’s okay to spend time on the phone with your best friend who lives 500 miles away, or to schedule a night in with your freshman-year suitemates instead of studying or getting a jump on a paper. These people have made you who you are today, so don’t forget that.

I know you love expressing yourself creatively. And I know that it brings a few other people joy when you do so as well. It makes you feel guilty when you take a long hiatus from writing, singing, or journaling, because you feel like you’re letting these people down. But remember that these people love you and want you to be happy. They can wait for another story or another song, as long as they know that you’re taking care of yourself.

It’s important to be healthy. It’s important to eat right, exercise and remember to get 8 hours of sleep every night. But hell, if you feel like skipping the gym in favor of digging into a pint of Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream (which you fully intend on finishing in one sitting), go for it. You’ll have time to count calories later.

On that same note, remember to love your body. It’s not perfect, and it never will be. But someone will love those curves you hate, or those freckles that appear every summer. Someone will adore the way your eyebrow doesn’t lay flat thanks to that scar, or the way one leg is longer than the other due to scoliosis. Make sure to take care of yourself, but remember that if you don’t love yourself, how can you love someone else?

Oh, and you know those people who ridicule you for something like your weight, your height, your chest size, or even the color of your hair? Fuck them. Excuse the language, but it’s important enough for me to emphasize. No one who matters at all will judge you for your physical appearance. So take the criticism, and realize that they only say those things because they’re insecure in their own bodies and are using you to make them feel better about their insecurities.

That being said, those who hate you for your beliefs aren’t worth the time of day either. The people worth having in your life may disagree with you, but they will never hate you for what you believe. Remember not to judge them in return.

Lastly, remember this always. Everything will always be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s just not the end.

You are beautiful inside and out–always.
Sam

12 Comments »

Saying Goodbye

Posted in EMS, Partners on June 1, 2009 by medic61

I’ve written this entry more times than I care to admit to. I’ve been chastised about it not being posted, and I’ve considered hitting the “Publish” button a few times. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t finish this post, but I think I’ve finally put my finger on it.

When I finish this entry, it’s real. When I update with this post, it’s out there for the internet world to know, which makes it a lot more tangible, I think.

Drew graduated in mid-May, and this past Wednesday we spent our last shift together as partners. He’s back in his hometown gearing up for a summer internship and grad school, and suddenly he’s not my Drew anymore.

It’s been a really hard semester. I’ve been dealing with some heavy things, and my friends have been there to support me. Drew and Eric have been there for me every step of the way, and I am so thankful to have them in my life.

That’s why it’s so hard for me to know that he’s no longer my partner. Drew is someone I’ve shared many sleepless nights, heartfelt conversations, late-night talks, hysterical moments, and fun weekends with. He is one of the few people who will really stand out in my mind years down the road when I think of my time in college.

No one makes me laugh the way he does. The voices we do, inside jokes we share, and words that he misuses are hysterical to the point of insanity. I’ll never hear the word “ineligible” again without thinking of him, nor will I be able to make it through the song “Nights in White Satin” without laughing.

At the same time, he inspires me like no one else. Professional to a fault, charming and sincere, he pushes me to be a better provider–a better person. I’ll never forget the way he treated the woman who thought she had radioactive urine. He never looked at her strangely, laughed at her, or ignored her complaint. He promised her that he would take good care of her, and that’s exactly what he did. He’s calm under pressure, knowledgeable, and easy to work with.

There will be other partners. There will be other inside jokes, other late-night talks, other traditions. But there will only ever be one Drew.

So to Drew, the partner I never expected but will never forget, thank you. You’ve made my life better by just being in it. Good luck in everything you do; you’ll do great, like always.

And when you’re in charge of some fancy-pants fire department, don’t forget about us little people, okay?

Take care out there,
Sam

20 Comments »

Apology

Posted in Uncategorized on April 13, 2009 by medic61

I’m really sorry.

I’ve been completely uninspired. I have nothing to say. Along with some personal things going on, I’ve been feeling really lame and useless–I haven’t helped anyone or made a palpable difference in months. I’m feeling overwhelmed and don’t know what to do about it.

I had this whole post I wanted to write for last Monday, when I turned 20. The big 2-0, you know? I was going to talk about the foray into being a twenty-something, no longer being a teenager. I was going to write a big post thanking my parents for the way they brought me up.

But I just can’t do it. It’s taking all my energy to write the poetry I need to for class, or to get out of bed, even. I’m really sorry, though. I want to write, I want to entertain, I want to be a good blogger.

I’ll get out of this funk, promise. But for now, thank you for bearing with me.

Take care out there,
Sam

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